MyPUAJourney Forum

hey guys can u give me feed back of this story ...it realy happen rl i was thinking of tyring to convert it to use while i run game

its kinda longish but all feedback accepted:)


time i got hit by a car

lemme tell u guys this crazy story about my leg...

this 1morning a while back i woke up with a bad feeling today seemed differently the mysterious kinda did scare me a little.....so anyhow i got dress and everything like a normal day

i had to run to the linx bus cuz it was raining...i took the linx cuz i got suspended off my bus .....

so i was reading it felt like shit u know the daily i feel like shit cuz im on my way to school

so i went and sat down in the front of bus and this nurse lady sits next to me we exchange words nothing serious...

so when i reached my stop pulled the string thing ...also idk whats up with that string its so hard to reach...anyhow so i get off the bus...

and go infront of the bus it was infront of my school typical sized road so the linx bus is big and falt so i had a bad vision of the road to the left of me

so i looked both ways like 3times i figured ok! nows my time to cross well the moment i goto run across the street a van! yes a van! randomly pulls out of nowhere going about 40 in a 20mph zone

right infront of my school.... it side swipes the left side of my body....from here it gets a bit fuzzy im told that i flew 25feet ...still not sure if thats true...

so i landed on the floor in the ditch next to linx bus...the nurse i ironicaly sat next to ran off the aim me....

at first i thought it was a bad dream the kind u have when u wake up sweaty and scared shitless...

well i quickly realised it wasnt she said dont move to much i broke my leg at this point im going crazy inside like omg ima die .....

i didnt wanna beleive her so i tried to get up and everything couldnt ..some1 called the cops

and ambulance they was gonna come in helicopter against my luck tho it was overshear out...

so they had to drive well they got their poeple told what happen...then they pull out this big ass scizzor looked like they could cut a

tree in half...they cut off my clothes....let me remind u its 7am and im now im in my bozers on wet grass freazing to death....

and all this happen right infront of my school buses was still coming by so kids on buses r seeing me lay their

then the ambulance poeple get the strectcher and say this "might hurt a bit" well they tried to pick me up and omg did it hurt

hurt more then the car ...well they went to the oceola hospital but they couldnt treat me so then they had to drive to the alrner palmer hospital

was like 1hour away i didnt think i was gonna make it but i wouldnt

go without a fight..so i managed it ....when i finaly arrived their they cut off my boxers... now im on this stretcher naked.... practly in the middle of hospital...

laid like that for a good 10mins until i finaly got a blanket....

then after about 30-40mins of waiting my mom arrives

at this point shes freaking im out im trying to tell her relax... she doesnt tho...so 10mins after shes their she signs paper i get surgery and get operated on...

well i was in the hospital for a good 2months and had to relearn to walk...and when i went home i missed 4months of school least i passed...

and this was the worst day of my life:)....u guys got any crazy stories?(this is where i make them show me higher value?)

I see a lot of DLV into that... you should not go into much details unless they REALLY ask you to... I mean I prolly would work... depends how you say it... but why not focus on something more joyous than you getting a leg smashed by a van? why not instead just quickly hover on the accident stuff and FOCUS on the learn to walk again stuff... SHOW YOURE AN ALPHA who go through EVRYTHING on his way... not the poor guys whose balls were freezing on the walkway next to his school bus where everyone was looking at you in shock... Thats my opinion... Youre still there... so the accident should not be the best part of the story... should be the 2 months of not going into school and to learn to walk again... show perseverance and combative attitude... THATS THE KEY TO DHV!

When talking to women, you got to relate like a women does with her girlfriends.

When guys relate and talk, they talk about ideas, topics and logic, things like where,when how, what and a little bit of why. you are doing way too much of this. Listen to how women talk to each other. IF you talk to her like a man, and you are doing most of the talking you will bore her to death and she will leave.

Women need to be listening to emotions and things that described by the senses (i.e. touch,smell, taste, sight, aound).

You have very little of that - only when you talk about your mother freaking out.

When talking to mixed groups, you share emotions, senses and details and logic equally. then get more into emotions and senses to get the women;s attention.

In terms of talking about emoitons, explain the emotion, what made you feel that way, and why you felt that way.

read books on poetry and romance novels, look at the details that are described there.

I agree with Mao Damane, focus on the positive like how you healed.

I hope it is a true story, if it is then that is cool.

at certain points, you could stop and ask her questions, that she can relate to the feelings that you had. this can stop the story thread and start a new convo, with her opening up, which you should let her do by rewarding and getting more curious.

e.g. Have you ever been in a situation where it felt tough to do something no matter how hard you tried, yet after pushing though it happened? - best to re frame in an open ended question.

Final point, my personal opinion, goes against most of the PUA stuff. Only tell a story if it relates to a conversation topic that was mentioned while talking or some emotions/feelings she is talking about or is the underlying theme. this way you dont sound random (you become situational relevant) and you are not bragging. There are ways of leading the flowing of the conversation via hooks and baits so that you can talk about the story.


am sure there are other stuff on the web about this idea.

I would suggest rewrite it, with my suggestion, and practice it, and tell it to some of your FEMALE friends.

Remember the words are only a small percentage of telling a great story - you got to focus on you Body language and voice too.

canibus

EDIT - For what ever reason, this post was appearing invisible. The only way to make it appear was to take out the links. perhaps post the links in another post. Some strange forum error I imagine. - Site Admin

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edit Canibus thought i add a couple of other stuff in describing things for a story.

When talking about stuff add sensations and actions, in detail. Use colourful language.

When talking about visuals - go into detail, like textures, types of patterns.

Use metaphors and similies - remember back in english lessons.

Remember: People, especially women, like to talk about themselves more than about others. this includes you talk about them with the, understand and appreciating what they say and summarise what they are saying and their feelings - so they feel listened to.

the more she opens up, shares her self and feelings and experiencees, the more she connects with you. You just have to then be courageous and brave and escalate the interaction. OW you remain friends

canibus pretty much nailed it, but i'll go ahead and give you some of my first impressions. some ideas have already been stated however.


first off i stopped reading it with only about 4-5 lines left. you know the story is boring and dragging on far too long when you can get that close to the end of it and still not care how it ends. no offense.

there are no DHV spikes in this story. take out the stuff about feeling like shit and all the short choppy parts. mention why you were suspended off the other bus, don't just mention things in passing. take out little one liners like the string being too high. they are not detailed enough to be humorous and detract from the focus of the story.

there is practically no mention of emotion in this story. instead of telling a lot stuff to progress the story, think of the three main things that take place and go into detail. detail is important, especially when it contains emotion and specifics. elaborate on the nurse and throw some DHV in there too.

stories need to be concise, elaborate on emotion and detail, and need to contain DHV spikes. humor is also important. humor is a whole other topic though if you find yourself having trouble with it.


i'll throw in some small basic facts that help out in creating humor. these rules are rather universal and you see comedians using these all the time. i don't want to go too far off topic, but these may help you story telling and joke telling...

HEIGHTENING - this is when you increase the outlandishness, if you will, in steps. a very crappy example would be to say you sat next to an elderly man who wore shorts and plaid socks that went up to his knees. then mention how he smelt like baby powder. then mention how his dentures feel out when you hit a speed bump. this example suck, but what you're doing is increasing the level of bizarreness in steps.

THE RULE OF THREE - you see/hear this all the time - three men, a rabbi, a priest, and an atheist...a black man, a white man, and a mexican walk into a bar... comedy works well in groups of three. if you've ever been called out on being to one who killed a joke it's probably because you violated the rule of three. you can only build on a joke so much before it gets old and looses its comedic value.

this also allows for you to easily steal a little value off other guys in a group if dealing with a funny amog who's telling great jokes and getting the girls' attention. say he tells a joke and people laugh. go ahead and laugh with them, then add on to the joke one or two more times (so not to violate the rule of three) and pull it in as you own. if you've read the book the game, there is a section in which tyler durden makes note of how style would add on to other guys jokes as a form of unintentional amogging. in the book TD was really big into copying every little detail that style possessed and this was one.

a crappy real life example from just three days ago. i was at a bachelor's party and since everyone was from outta town, we were all staying the night and two guys (guys X and Y) who were buddies were gonna share a king sized bed since sleeping arrangements were limited. either way someone made a comment about wanting a cookie and then guy X told him. "i've gotta cookie for you right here," while pretending to unzip his pants (very gay i know). i said to guy Y to where everyone else could hear me, "and this is the guy you gonna have to share a bed with." everyone laughed. i continued with, " i hope you like milk and cookies after midnight." once again they all laughed even louder. i continued once more, remembering the rule of three. "i hope you're not diabetic." they all laughed even louder. any more and i probably would have killed it. notice how these aren't even that funny, but with great timing, they can produce great laughs.

lastly there is CALLBACK HUMOR. this doesn't work too well in story telling since stories shouldn't go on forever. however, in real life and once you're in the rapport stage or comfort, or whatever the hell you're in later on down the road, it can get serious laughs. comedians do this all the time and the audience always goes nuts. the call back doesn't even have to relate to anything humorous really in order to be funny. that's the beauty of it.

all you do is work in an old topic, nickname you've given her, a neg she took well, or anything really back into the current conversation. so long as you're calling back to something positive, it works well. i once gamed a girl who told me how just the day before she was jogging in the neighborhood and an old man pulled up next to her, rolled down the window and asked if she needed a ride. it turned out he was completely naked and she saw his junk. for a while i would call back to this whenever i got the chance. i'm pretty good at leading conversation, so it was quite easy. i even accused her of actually taking the ride voluntarily. it was always quite humorous.


these are simple things you can do to add humor to a story. remember humor is a DHV in and of itself. also making a girl laugh as apposed to going overtly sexual in your stories can be a simple way to disqualify your self as a potential suitor from the start if you use a story early on. this of course if the also the purpose of opinion openers and even negs (when done early on) and they in turn help you fly under the radar at the very beginning.

thats brilliant Rhetoric,, i knew about the call back humour through wathcing chappelle and rock and murphy. the rule of three i never really noticed you could apply it to other's jokes. I have always done it, when making fun of friends, just adding more to the original joke. while sometimes i would go to far or my firneds would add more and it wasnt funny. i guess i broke the rule of three.

callback humour, is great throughout the evolution of the r/s. like using petnames and nicknames, and shared jokes and shared experiences.

I think i will from now on, when relating stories, incclude three emotions only in them max.

Here some links on describing things using senses and emotions

http://msnucleus.org/membership/html/k-6/as/scimath/k/assmk_6a.html

This is from a children education website:

There are five senses that help us discover the world around us:
* sight-which helps us describe color, size, and shape
* hearing-which helps us describe volume (loud or soft), pitch (high or low)
* taste-which helps us describe flavor (sweet, sour, salty, bitter)
* touch-which helps us describe texture (sharp, bumpy, hairy, squishy, smooth, etc.)
* smell-which helps us describe odor or scent

Great article for writing with senses:

http://ezinearticles.com/?Using-the-Five-Senses-to-Enhance-Your-Writing&id=180036

Lots of words to help you describe senses, go to bottom of site for links to next sense:

http://www.cyberspaces.net/6traits/sense.html

emotions

http://www.scribblepad.co.uk/FindingUnusualWaysToDescribeEmotions.html

List of emotions and descriptions, useful in spotting what emotions she is talking about, so you can relate to it:

http://www.edu.pe.ca/southernkings/emotionstypes.htm

List of emotions:
[url]
http://changingminds.org/explanations/e ... otions.htm[/url]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emotions

http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/describing1.html

facial expressions (incl. eyes. mouth. eyebrows ) is one of the biggest ways the body expresses emotions and feelings. If you describe the facial expression of that emotion, you can implicitly (not directly mention) that emotion:

http://www.face-and-emotion.com/dataface/emotion/expression.jsp

Reading the mind in the eyes, is a test to take very cool, for reading emotions.:

http://www.glennrowe.net/BaronCohen/Faces/EyesTest.aspx

thanks for feed back guys:)

the rule three and heightening work really well when you combine them too.

when following the rule of three try to heighten each statement and remember the rule of three when heightening.

you can also heighten when using call back. an example of when i talked to the girl who saw the naked dude is as follows:

once she tried to make it sound as if my views on something were odd and i replied as follows. "don't try to make it sound like i'm the weird one here. you're the one who takes rides from naked old men." then i heightened. "you didn't sit on his lap did you?" the whole time i'm implying that she got in the truck with him, which she didn't.

had i been thinking, i could have heightened once more, obeying the rule of three and said something like, "did he let you sit on his lap and steer while he handled the gas and and brake?"



the bottom line is that these three simple ideas can really improve story telling and joke telling. even when going into detail and using emotion, heightening and the rule of three apply equally well. it doesn't have to apply to humor all the time.

Some more ideas on improving your storytelling.

Was reading a book on improving my teaching, and it talk about making my lesson more like a good story. This is the format for a good story. I will give the same example of where it was used, one of the best stories - star wars.

The four Cs

All stories should include Character, conflct, complications and causality

Character

think Luke skywalker, think how films spend the first 20 to 30 minutes developing the character through their actions. The character is also developed through out the story, always evolving.

Bascially describe the main character/pratagonist, espeically through their actions which imply a character trait.

i.e. Luke is young, ignorant, caring , ambitious,

Conflict

The main character is pursuing a goal, but is unable to meet it. There is an obstacle in the way. The obstacle must hard or tough in some way, best obstacle is emotional, i.e. inner conflict, scared of snakes. Give reasons why obastacle is hard. This is the motivation, the why of the story.

i.e. Luke trying to destroy the empire and death star. The obstacle is the empire and darth vadar. We find this out much later in the film, as the characters are developed.

Complication

these are sub problems that arise from main problem. Problems keep on arising and stop you from getting to where you watn to go. As soon as you finsih one problem another arises. This is basically Drama.

i.e. luke trying to escape the desert planet, attacked and chased by by clones, no ship, problems getting ship, stuck on the death star.

Causality

Basically cause and effect, dont go to deep in to this, if things are obvious then dont talk about it. Give them something to infer about. Kind of linked to mystery.

i.e. "i saw jane and I went to the shop." not good no reason why. better -> " I saw jane, my ex who dumped me, so i went to the shop."

So at the end of the story, you basically resolve the conflict

i.e. luke blows up the death star. the medal ceremony is meaningless

WEll i hope that will help you out.

Sorry for the mammoth post...

Already some great stuff from Rhetoric and Cani here! You guys nailed it imo.

Some initial thoughts I had while reading your story were:

ditch suspended part - too tryhard. It doesn't make you the "badboy" in any sort of good way. in any case, don't volunteer it, let them ask why you were taking the bus if they want to know.

ditch the "It felt like shit/I feel like shit coz im on my way to school" vibe - You're an alpha, you should never admit that you do things you don't want to do, and even if you do things you don't want to, you don't complain about it.

You should never emote that you were panicked (omg Im gonna die!)

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I'm not seeing much DLV in the story (Sorry Mao!) There's "cool stories" and there's "Value" this is certainly an interesting story, but I don't see it showing a lot of the core values to display (per mm - No leadership, no preselection, no protector, Maybe the ability to emote, but in a bad way (I was scared shitless, I was gonna die etc.))

As Cani and Rhetoric mentioned, you're way to focused on the trivial details of the story.

I look at storycrafting like you're building a tree. When crafting your stories, you should always break them down to the most basic form. ie sum it up in one or two sentences. Based on what you've written, I'd break down what you have as: "I was on my way to school when this van hit me. I broke my leg and had to go through a lot of physical therapy to walk again." I agree with the others that the real story could be "I got hit by a van and had to relearn how to walk." with the emphasis being on he inspiring part.

I'd refer to that as the trunk of the story. At this point, you can begin adding the branches - these are the broad details, like "Someone said that the van that hit me threw me 25 feet through the air." On a tangent, whenever you're trying to tell someone something in a story that might appear to be tryhard (like this) or heavy I try to defuse the feeling with humour. Another branch could be about getting you to the hospital and the nurses reaction - maybe she made a face that belied her concern. In essence, the branches are like a table of contents for your story where you hit the highlights of what you want to tell. The branches are a great place to analyze a story for content - what exactly are you communicating? Does it paint you in a positive light? if not, then ditch the story, no matter how interesting it may be. Or reserve it for comfort.

The last part of the story are the leaves. It's here that you add your DHV elements and details. Add them as branches, and the story will likely come off tryhard or like you're bragging. The tree would still stand without the leaves, but the leaves make it interesting to hear. Don't add too many or you end up with trivial details, but spread over the key points of the story that you want to highlight, and the leaves can help you take the girl on an emotional journey, and put her in your shoes to share the event. For example, what did it FEEL like when the van hit you? Was the grass you lay on wet with dew? Did the van reek of diesel fumes? etc. The big part here are the DHV's - they should be subtle, but solid. For example, maybe the reason you didn't see the bus was because you were distracted when your ex-girlfriend, who was across the street was calling your name (preselection) and you looked at her instead of checking the road. To add subtleness to this, you could say "...So i get off the bus and my ex girlfriend Sheila (whatever name) is across the street waving at me and calling my name when *BAM!* a van comes from out of nowhere and smacks into me!" the focus of the sentence is the van hitting you, but you have communicated preselection, and given a reason for why you were hit as well.

Putting that branch together, you might say:

"...So i get off the bus and my ex girlfriend Sheila (whatever name) is across the street waving at me and calling my name (preselection) when *BAM!* a van comes from out of nowhere and smacks into me! (now we be descriptive - without being too gory/graphic) It was horrible, it felt like all the air was sucked out of my lungs, and I went flying through the air - someone said that I was thrown 25 feet. (that was pretty heavy, so we try to lighten the mood a bit) Can you imagine? I'd like to think I flew like a graceful swan, but I'm sure I looked more like the mythical dodo bird flailing about in the air."

In my opinion, it's ok to get a little wordy - as long as there's a reason for it. This is a story after all, and it's ok if it takes a little while to tell. If you could finish it in a minute, you'd be left with dead air and likely missed a lot of opportunity for peaking her attraction.

A few thoughts:

- I completely agree with Canibus that you want to let the girl interject - I'd suggest asking questions of her throughout the story (when appropriate) so that it's truly interactive and she invests (it also shows that you care about her thoughts and opinions which is a subtle help with her ASD later on).

- Don't be overly focused on telling your story!!! A LOT of guys do this, and it makes the impact fall flat. This is "just a story", so if the girl changes the subject, don't force your way back to the story or it will seem to have an ulterior motive. As such, a girls flags go up and your DHV's will be obvious to her and actually backfire in effectiveness. This is JUST a story, but if you make it exciting to her with body language, tonality etc, then she will probably invest and remain interested. If you consistently find that girls are cutting you off when telling it, then you should re-examine it and figure out what's wrong with it. If your story is good, and the topic changes, she'll likely ask you to finish it later and steer the conversation back to the story herself.

- If this is "canned" material, tell it to yourself in a mirror the way you plan to tell it to a woman. Watch your body language, listen to yourself tell it, is it interesting (honestly?) if not, how can you make it interesting? DON'T focus on memorizing the story line for line - this isn't a play, and memorizing it will make it seem canned, also, if you need to retell it ever, the girl may begin to wonder why it's always identical. learn the highlights, learn some of the details (like how you want to deliver the DHV's) and let the rest flow naturally.

- Rule of thumb - for attraction stories (which I'd label this as being) leave out any details that make you appear to suck. The way it stands, you fucked up crossing the street without looking and paid the price - that sucks! Spin it so that you were distracted, and suddenly, you're just human, and that evil ex of yours is the one who screwed up.

- Using the ex girlfriend as a plot device, she could be used for DHVing - maybe she came over to you when you were on the ground and she was freaking out, and you were calm, telling her to "relax, that you'd be ok." (which is passive leadership) Maybe she was blaming herself for distracting you and you were re-assuring her that it was ok (another leadership quality). You could also use her for callback humour. Maybe you end the story with "You know, I never did figure out what my ex girlfriend wanted that day!" you could go further with it with "Maybe I'll give her a call tomorrow and ask." (Which sort of implies preselection because a girl you dumped is still a part of your life).

Hope that helps out!